Well, graduation is over, so long. hello. I cannot even begin to suppose what's next.
The summer is here. And i've begun my list. slowly but surely.

#1

I used to think i had high standards, but they have just gotten much much much higher.

I'm hoping at the end of 2009, it will make sense why I existed in it.

a quote from maggie: "maybe by acknowledging our weakness, we might find our honest brokeness is a much greater bridge to a hurting world than our fake wholeness ever was."

I have been learning some pretty significant things lately. Some of those things that have never ever ever ever been learned before- that changes so much.

This year so far has been good in ways that i didn't know existed. and it has been ugly in ways i didn't know I could be.

my head is getting heavy. my little insides are getting all unsettled. and i suppose i'm trying way too hard to stop trying way too hard.
Christmas was an invitation to peace. That didn't go so well after christmas day. It's still not going very well. shux.

maybe this year is only a gift? right? i mean it has just got to be.

it takes a lot of work to become independent. to become strong.
At this point, I suppose I was never meant to be a worker...or independent...or strong.

I want to be a dependent weakling who gets to live in rest... in peace.

good idea.

Easter is coming soon!

O to be beautiful.

Some people see some beauty. Some people see beauty purely and innocently...thankfully even.
some people see me as beautiful, some people really could care less.

But when a person looks at me with greedy, eager eyes it makes me want to be unbeautiful, so their impurity doesn't taint what was created to be good.

But then if everytime ugliness faced beautiful things, the beautiful things faded...then the world would just be full of ugly, uninnocent, unthankful, greedy things...which wouldn't be very beautiful at all.

o bother. i think my irritation might be partially induced by the cold. partially not.

anyway. if you ever get the chance, float on top of the water so your head is down just enough so that you can't hear anything else but your heart beat... and your breath.

in other news. The summer is almost over for me. Once more week at shepherd. =(

my insides are shivering. I need to go to bed. oo there they go again.

p.s. I want to be pure, innocent and thankful too. i'm still sometimes the ugly, greedy, uninnocent, unthankful thing. 
And i'm finding there is a fine line between being thankful and being greedy.

But God is good, so good. and he is wise. man. and patient.

o to let a child just be a child.

I think that's one of the things i like so much about shepherd, that it gives these kids a place to come and have the freedom to just be a kid. They get to laugh and feel safe for a little while. Not that all the kids are unsafe away from shepherd, but a whole lot of them are. And when we get to see the ones who we know aren't so safe, be able to smile and laugh and feel free, we then see the ones who want to soak up every second of it. And O how beautiful are those smiles.

I have to constantly remind myself that they are just kids...little kids at that, and no matter how much their lives point to the fact that they have seen so much more than innocence and their outfits look like something a 21 year old would wear, and their worries sometimes show right through their eyes, they deserve to be treated like a child. Even the hardest and "coolest" ones want to do little girl things and little boy things. And even the little 7 year old gangster looking ones when no one is really watching want to sing the songs and do the motions...

and one of the 4th/5th grade girls who might already be in a gang, was one of the first to raise her hand to say she wanted to have a tea party.

O to get to see them smile. I've realized as the summer is going on that I'm getting to know these kids more.
Up until about a week ago, it seemed mostly discipline and not so much relationship, but lately I feel like I really do know the kids, and I am going to miss them a lot!!!! I have this feeling 4 weeks is going to come way too soon...

Momentous change in my life lately.

i tried chocolate icecream (it was chocloate fudge chuck) and i enjoyed it?
Does that mean that i can now tell people i like chocolate icecream? I mean, i don't know, that's pretty serious. I might have to wait a little while, try again. it might have just been a false alarm.

something else: I went swimming tonight for the first time in awhile without telling a bunch of little girls to "kick, kick, kick, keep on kicking...!! hahaha. o my. or having to crawl around on my belly, because the water is only about 2 feet deep and if I stood up I would then be a dinosaur instead of a shark. they are fun though.

I also get asked about 4 times a day if i'm pregnant....o those kids.

=)